Hi guys!
A lot has been happening recently and I really had no time to blog a lot. But I feel that this is gonna be a very important blog post because I want to reflect on myself so that I can become a better person. I treat this blog as a space not only for fashion/beauty but where I can write my thoughts too when I don't feel like talking to anyone in particular. I know this sounds cheesy but I believe that every once in a while, we all need to do a deep self-evaluation about our lives no matter how busy we are. So here goes my list on some things I feel like I want to get better at. This post is gonna be really really deep just saying :)
1) Eye-contact
I don't know why, but I find it EXTREMELY difficult to keep eye contact with someone when they are talking to me, especially with guys. My eyes just subconsciously flicker away after a few seconds. I'm not sure if I'm shy or awkward, but I feel like this is something I really need to work on. It's like I look away because I'm afraid that they will see the flaws on my face, on me. However, eyes really convey a lot of emotion and I want to be able to look into someone else's eyes too so that I can feel more human and connect with them.
Btw, I'm sorry if the way I write is philosophically deep. I'm just pouring out all my inner thoughts so yeah just bare with me. My views are kinda interesting too ok.
2) Being aggressive
I don't mean being violent, I'm saying that I want to be more confident of myself and express my views more courageously. Sometimes, I feel like I'm afraid to hurt people, because I know that it doesn't feel good to get hurt by others. But not expressing my views honestly and fearlessly will just end up backfiring and I will be the one who is losing out on what I have to say. Being aggressive doesn't mean that you are being hurtful, you are just expressing bare facts. I don't want to keep backing down to others' opinions and giving in to their way of thinking, because I have my own mind too and I don't want people to keep speaking for me from now on.
3) To care more, but only for the right people
Society easily influences us. Ever since I moved to Shanghai, I feel like I don't feel love here. The local people are extremely impatient, they glare at you, and you don't expect them to show any acts of kindness towards you. Honestly, I have lost faith in 90% of the Chinese society. I don't want to become as heartless as them because no one likes heartless people and I keep this mental note to myself that I will always spread love to others whenever possible. HOWEVER, I'm not going to be too nice because nice people often give the impression that others can easily take advantage of them. Frankly, moving to Shanghai has helped me figure out who my true friends are or at least who are not my friends anymore. I can confidently say that almost 80% of the people in my old school in Singapore might have known me, talked to me, or hung out with me, but right now, I'm still not even confident enough to say that I have 5 people I consider as friends. I cared too much about people who didn't care about me. Feeling as if I am taken for granted, I learnt a lesson. I know I sound extremely mean and I don't seem like someone who spreads love, but if you think about this, I'm sure it has happened to you to some extent before. You treat others the way you want to be treated, and if you don't care about me, then I honestly don't see why I should dedicate so much effort caring about you. I promise myself that I will take the effort to start caring, to reach out a helping hand and put a smile on others' faces first. But afterwards, if only one party is trying to spread love to the other, it just doesn't work.
4) Think smarter
Yes, I know, I want to think smarter. A lot of people think that my grades are really good but I'm honestly not that smart. I just study a lot. Most of the information that goes into my brain leaves my brain after a year. Somehow I'm doing something wrong and I need to find out what that is. And also, ever since I went to Stanford for a summer camp and interacted with some really intelligent people, it motivated me to learn like them. They are always participating, thinking, and trying to understand why something works the way it does and I think that's what I want to work on instead of just listening to the teacher and going, "Oh okay sure".
5) Believing that someone right is out there, but I just haven't met him yet
I seriously wished that some of my old crushes dated me. But unfortunately, nothing ever happened. Sometimes, I get really frustrated at myself and wonder, "What am I doing wrong" or "Why don't they like me". Other times, I get really angry at them and go like, "Yo I'm a really sassy and intelligent and funny girl do you not get it you should date me". Sometimes, even my mom thinks that there must be at least one guy who is interested in me but "Hahaha no mom, no guys like me" is always my answer to her. I'm not trying to boast that I'm girlfriend material and everyone should date me but I always feel as if I'm NEVER good enough for any of my previous crushes. I start losing hope in myself and then sometimes I start losing hope in guys. But I know that I must never think that way. Just because 50 guys do not appreciate you for who you are, doesn't mean that there won't be a guy out there waiting to appreciate you. I want to stop being negative about certain guys and just wait for the right one to come by.
Yeah and that will be all I have. I tried stating my opinion as clearly as I could. Thanks for reading this long post! :)
