Acknowledging My Past

While I was cleaning up my room as I prepare to head to college, I found things from my past.

I read through my diary entries from 2010 till 2012 back when I was still living in Singapore (and back when diaries still existed). 

Those were the glorious days of my teenage years - the days when everyone seemed to love me, the days when many marveled at my athletic capabilities, the days when I was a popular kid and talked to a number of guys. 

But those, too, were the dark days of my teenage years - the days when I was not especially intellectually driven, the days when I was obsessed with fame, the days when none of my romantic interests reciprocated the way that I had wanted. 

The reason I am writing this is because I'm ready to come clean after four years.

It's a funny feeling and a bittersweet one really. Sometimes I would feel the anguish and the pain all over again from not doing well on tests, from not given a chance to perform on the court, from not getting a text back from a guy I liked. Sometimes I would feel a smile spreading across my face from recalling the times when I had fun with my friends and when my crushes smiled at me. 

Obviously, I don't really talk to the people I called friends or the guys I was interested in now. It's not that I hate my "friends" or anything for not caring about me or talking to me ever since I moved to Shanghai, it's just that people grow apart and there was no point in talking to them again. Also, it's not that the guys were horrible people (quite frankly a few were extremely nice and I wouldn't mind running into them on the streets one day and catching up over a cup of coffee with them), it's just that what happens in the past stays in the past.

I tossed many things away while cleaning my room - school magazines, homework, SAT stuff, and random doodles. I struggled to decide if I should toss my diaries too but after a lot of thought and consideration, I decided to keep it.

There are certain pages that I tore off because I did not want to see a certain name anymore. I don't exactly believe in "forgive and forget" because some things are just unforgivable and unforgettable. 

But there are many pages that I kept because that was still my past. I have moved on, but I acknowledge my past. I acknowledge that I wasn't the best person I could be and I acknowledge that I wasn't the nicest person ever. And I feel that it is so important for me to accept and acknowledge my past because that is what I look back on and say, "I have came a long way and I have grown and I'm glad I'm a better person."

Don't get me wrong, it was painful losing everything I had when I moved. 

But then again, I never really had anything looking back. I wished that someone was there to stop me from being the monster that I was and I wished that someone was there to stop me from getting hurt. 

I'm coming clean because I have nothing to hide. It's not who you were, it's who you are now. 

It's the things that hurt the most that make you grow the most. Quite frankly, I'm glad things happened the way they happened. It made me a much stronger person and nothing can ever break me the way this did. 

I just hope that if you are reading this and are going through something difficult, you'll only become stronger. Know that I'm here for you when no one was there for me. Know that you'll pull through. Know that better days are coming. 

Thank you for reading and for being non-judgmental.